Taste Of Perfection

Well heya :)

My name is Chloe, im 17 from South-East England. I set this site up originally when i was having a really low day and was talking to people i had met from other sites, mainly pro-ana sites and i thought about people that don't have the luck of having people to chat to on msn, or just anyone in general to talk to about their problems and as i like to thing im a caring person, i wouldn't want to imagine people out there feeling so alone and lost, so i decided to make this site to attract people to try and talk about their problems and for people to be there for eachother.

I don't know how much of you are like me, but i have had family problems from a young age of about 7, where my dad used to physically abuse me and my mum emotionally abuse me. At the time it didn't affect me much as i didn't know any different, but as a i grew up a bit more i started seeing the effects of the whole thing. I have SI from the age of about 11, which involved cutting of arms and legs mainly which helped me deal with the stresses and strains at home but i don't reccommend it to anyone. No one found out about it and the abuse at home continued and the comments and abuse from my dad included "Your so fat, fat and worthless, can't you be as skinny and pretty as your little sister" and they would pinch my tummy and thighs and comment on how fat and ogre-like they are and as i was told this on such an occassion i believed them, after all they were my parents.

As i grew up more, i knew what both him and mum were doing was wrong, but as i always blamed for my abuse i couldn't tell anyone because 'i had caused it', i couldn't tell them to stop because 'i deserved it', so i suffered in silence until i found another escape.

As all the weight comments were coming thick and fast, i remember one night after dinner the commented on how fat im gna be after eating that food, and so i thought well if its out of me i cant be fat, so i started purging after dinner, then after every meal, then it spiralled to after everything i ate - MIA. I lost quite a bit of weight and for being 14 years old i finally thought i looked a normal weight, but as parents didnt think so their comments motivated me on to purge more as well as the self-harm which got worse with every purge, i just wanted to be perfect like my sister, i wanted them to love me tbh :(. I got seriously ill once at school, i hadn't thought friends had clocked onto what i was doing and 1 of them caught me purging after lunch and almost passing out after and she threatened to tell unless i stopped. As she was previously bulimic and a self-harmer she 'helped' me to stop, i loved her for how she helped me, but i hated her for taking MIA away from me. But i cut down on the cutting (i just cut in easier to hide places) and became more secretive with MIA until she totally backed off. I was MIA for about 3 years, it wasnt as extreme as before but i just had to have the control back. I lost more weight and came ill but i didn't care, as long as i had the control and was on the road to perfection that my parents wanted from me i was happy.

About half a year ago i found MIA to be letting me down, i was gaining and becoming so ill, so i started restricting, little at first then more and more extreme. I passed out at school (which sucked) and the friend that 'helped me through' MIA disowned me, she had guessed what i had been doing and basically gave up on me. I had such a hard time at school with bullying for various reasons, home was hell still and was getting more physical by the second, i lost loads of friends and i wasnt losing weight so cutting was my best friend. I done it obsessively and shut myself away until i eventually helped myself out of it all. I was miserable and i was offered a helping hand by a friend and without parents or doctors finding out i stopped (well thats what they all thought) self-harming. So i started to enjoy life outside home, MIA was reduced a lot and so i gained tonnes of weight :( i would purge about 3 times a week after dinner but i was 17 and went up to 159lbs! And for 5'2 thats OVERWEIGHT! Dad had left home when i was 16 and so it was a relief, a true relief, but im some ways its not, as mum now has just taken over his role in abusing me.

Her comments started again about weight, i KNEW i was fat and i actually wasnt as bothered, i liked life outside home, but eventually mum and the voices in my head threw that out of proportion and i just lost it. I have been majorly restricting (under 150 cals) for 3 months now and have gone from 159lbs to 118lbs from 10th June 2009 to current 10th August 2009. I havent been found out and don't intend on being found out, but sites such as Pretty Thin and Skinny Love have made me find people, tips and tricks and advice to really maximise my motivation and weight loss with help from some truely lovely people.

Currently, i would say i have MIA and ANA tendencies, SI and mild OCD but i don't believe i have a depression problem. Yes i can get low and down but its down to lack of food with me mainly. I was never able to talk to anyone about my problems at all, i bottled them all up and as you can see it has affected me quite badly, i cant cry infront of ANYONE either, which i also blame my problems for. I have a hard time with my emotions and trusting people and food, i need control, i need a perfect body, i need a perfect soul.

HAHA that has made me sound SO not very good haha. I just wanted to tell my story so people could try and relate in some ways and know they are not alone in all of the shit life throws at you. Im a great listener, like giving advice and helping people and hate to think of all the poor people going through stuff i have mentioned above and worse. So feel free to chat to me on here! Im always online, have msn and all that jazz :)

On the plus note... i love Disney, rainbows, the smell after it rains, my animals, getting soaked in the rain and being naturally dried off by the sun = perfection, thrills, my dvds, my friends, my bed, my ipod and motivating songs, motivational thinspo quotes and songs, my boy jumpers, diet coke, chewing gum, cuddly toys, cuddles, kisses and all of that sorta stuff :)

Just remember  Y O U R   N O T   A L O N E! None of you are! There is always someone, always more than one way out and always a second chance :)

Be Beautiful, Be Strong, Be Amazing <3

There Is No Such Word As Impossible, It's Just I'm Possible :)

Stay Strong My Lovelys, I Hope This Site Can Help Some Of You Find Your Way And Give You The Strength You Need To Fight Another Day :)